It’s a real thing..

Just so y’all know, survivor’s guilt is real.

I’ve been a cancer patient since 1997……yes, that’s 27 years for those counting.

For 27 years my friends and family have worried and prayed for my survival….. and many of those precious, precious people have gone on before me and are now in the presence of our Lord…

Since my original diagnosis, I have lost my Dad, my brother Mike and my sisters JoKay and Becky. All of who prayed and worried and loved me. We’ve also lost both of Jack’s parents who put their lives on hold to help us in 1997-98

And they’re all gone.

Fast forward to the latest cancer rodeo. Again, precious people in our community and our church were there with us. They prayed, sent cards, brought food and served us in every way possible. Being the hands and feet of Jesus. And yet a dear friend’s husband,who prayed with us often ,was taken by COVID. A sweet lady who was one of a friend group who brought food and laughter to my house when I needed it most, was taken by cancer…and I might add that the drug which facilitated my survival didn’t work for her.

Then suddenly this week we lost a precious one from our Sunday School and community group. It was sudden, unexpected and shocking to us all.

Somebody needs to explain all of this to me because I’m at a complete loss.

Please don’t say it was prayer alone that “saved” me because it didn’t save my friends and family members. Prayers were sent on their behalf too. And by the way, some of them were WAYYYYY better people and Christians than me…..as you well know.

I suspect some of you might say that it’s God’s will. Well, that’s a tough one for me also. We all pray “not my will but thine be done”….. but I just can’t believe God sits on the throne sending cancer, tornadoes and car wrecks. I’m sorry, I don’t.

So, friends……what are we to do with that survivor’s guilt that nags and pierces our hearts every time we lose a soul ….when for some unknown reason we’re still here, enjoying our health and “unblown away” houses.

Are there any answers other than ………..I don’t know?

The older I get my questions are more difficult, and impossible to answer. When our children were young we taught them to pray for protection and safety and health. But did we teach them how to react when those prayers weren’t answered as we asked?

Probably not.

Here’s the rub. None of this has weakened my faith in the Almighty God, creator of this wonderful universe and the salvation and grace given by Jesus Christ our Lord.

We are human. We get sick. We die. Our houses get blown away by tornadoes and hurricanes. Devastating diseases happen to wonderful humans and even precious babies for heaven’s sake. We suffer tragedies and horribly unexplainable accidents.

But our faith sustains us.

My faith tells me a better day is coming. That indeed, joy will come in the morning….My faith helps me understand that life isn’t fair, deserved or understandable. We fall on our knees and we pray for health and protection, with full knowledge that our bodies are mortal and bad things inevitably will happen……

But the “the goodness of God” is ever present.

His goodness is present in our love for each other, our beautiful earth and our very existance. I’m not sure my survivor’s guilt will ever go away….at least not until my next diagnosis, ha….but until that day I plan to live fully. I’ll love my family, my church, my friends and community and I’ll cherish each moment of life.

I so hope you do too. Even when it’s hard.

All of this to say……my prayer list will continue to be long. I will pray for strength, courage, patience, perseverance and yes, health for those I love and care for. I’ll still have questions. I’ll still be sad and heartbroken. The older I get, I’m pretty positive that sadness will be more frequent.

So for today…………….

Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance

Jude 1:2

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalms 34:18

Amen.